The Whys of Nigeria - Part 2

In the 17 February 2010 edition of this blog, I published Part 1 of 'The Whys of Nigeria', here is Part 2: 

7. Why do most organisations charge a fee for application forms – About two years ago, I received a telephone call regarding a course we were about to run, the enquirer wanted to find out the cost of the application form as he already knew the cost of the programme. I told him the forms were free. I later realised that most people charge for application forms – government agencies, the army, private companies. It appears that this is considered a means of making a tidy sum. 

The one that irked me was a recent drive by the Imo State Government to employ 10,000 of its citizens in the Civil Service. This was heavily publicised – typically with a picture of the then Governor, Ikedi Ohakim – as a strategy of the government to reduce unemployment. The only catch is that each ‘unemployed’ applicant must pay 2000 Naira to obtain the form. Apart from the evil of charging poor unemployed people; like everything in Nigeria, this exercise will probably be 20 times oversubscribed.  You do the maths!

8. Why do educated, high-powered adults celebrate birthdays as if they are children – I initially thought that this was an issue common to a few people until I realised that it was a pandemic. Open a newspaper any day, you will probably see staring at you a purposely issued photograph of a politician, industrialist, militant, civil servant, or housewife hosting a week-long bash to celebrate their 54^th, 62^nd or 44^th birthday. What is more hilarious is that the congratulatory adverts are usually placed by ‘committee of friends’, spouse, work subordinates and sometimes banks – who just happen to use the same choice of words - which gets you thinking…. My hypothesis is that the person celebrating sometimes pay for some of these adverts.

9. Why do we think we must throw obscenely large parties – I have no qualms with the way ‘moneyed’ people choose to spend their money including throwing large parties. What I don’t understand is why a person struggling to make ends meet is expected or believes he should put up a wedding, christening or burial event similar to what a wealthy person does.

10. Why aso-ebi for non-family members - Aso-ebi literally means ‘family uniform.’  In the past, only family members wear aso-ebi at funerals, it somehow out-flowed into weddings and now it is worn at birthdays and any other commemorations. No week goes by without an invitation to buy aso-ebi with someone you have no family ties. What is more, the celebrant charges a premium fee on top of the purchase price, and for the privilege, you are rewarded with pitiful, Chinese-made freebies that will almost certainly clog your kitchen, bathroom or the bin. PostcardfromLagos

Chin-Chin, Puff-Puff, Kuli-Kuli and Double-Double – The Mystery of Repetition

An English friend asked me in summer 2010, why do Nigerians say things twice? She proceeded to give the following examples: do-do, chin-chin, puff-puff. Her husband who was listening joined in and mentioned moin-moin. This got me thinking and I decided to do a research into this phenomenon.  Here are my findings:

Do-do – fried plantain

Chin-chin – fried dough chips

Puff-puff – round fried dough

Kuli-kuli – fried peanut ball

Dun-dun – fried yam chips

Wole-wole – sanitary inspectors

Paja-paja – pins and needles

Maja-maja – highway traffic inspectors

Die-die – little by little

Pata-pata – completely

Laba-laba – butterfly

Pari-pari – the end

Seke-seke - chains

Lopo-lopo – very much

Nla-nla – massive

Kia-kia – quickly

Jedi-jedi – pile

Dogba-dogba – equally

Lai-lai – never

Mago-mago - deception

Gbonmo-gbonmo – kidnappers

Tun-tun – new

Tu-tu – cold

Te-te  - quick

Ke-ke – bicycle

Re-re – good

Some are English words which we have domesticated and which may have slightly different meanings such as:

Chop-chop - food or eating

Suffer-suffer - sufferhead

Quick-quick - quickly

Fast-fast - quickly

Now-now – hurry up

Begi-begi - scrounger

Cry-cry – cry baby

Yahoo-yahoo - fraudster

Hurry-hurry - quickly

Holy-holy – self righteous

Sharp-sharp – smart alec

Follow-follow – indecisive

Why we repeat words is beyond me. Has this got to do with our fast pace approach to life? Is it to buttress what we say? Is it to exert fear? Or is it just a Yoruba thing?

Now to my English friend, Helen who brought this to my attention in the first place, English people do have theirs too. What about Pa-pa and Paw-paw.

Finally, one of the most popular songs in Nigeria has the following lyrics:

Eh eh eh, eh, my God is good o

My God is good o, my God is good o

Everything na double, double

Na double, double

Whilst I do not want to visit the meaning and depth of the song for now, I cannot but notice an extra  double in the chorus. Double explains itself, there isn't  a need to say double-double. However, this is Nigeria, double has to be repeated. PostcardfromLagos

Photo from Avartsy Cooking

The Teeth and The Tongue Market – A Visit to the Backstreet of Onipanu, Lagos

From the cobbled street of old Rome where you can eat the best pizza on the terrace, to the narrow street of Antwerp in Belgium; from elegant Paris to avant garde Barcelona, a city sandwiched between the mountains and the sea, and where so many side streets empty into Las Ramblas, I have done and enjoyed visiting the backstreet of a few European cities. 

I do like the art galleries and the museums and the beaches and the hotels of any city, however what I enjoy the most is to sample the part of town where the real locals live or congregate. Sometimes, these areas are rundown, often times they are best described as unspoilt and dated, what they lack in aggressive modernity, they compensate for in blissful grace and laidback serenity. The people in these areas usually live a more normal life than those in the other parts of town almost like when you watch a period film. 

I once woke up in Barcelona (2003) to the cry of a man hawking calor gas on a large wooden trolley (omolanke), the like of which is rare even in Lagos. That day, I realised that some European countries are only marginally better than Nigeria. I even wept as I thought of what could happen in Nigeria. We only need to sort out electricity and a few other infrastructure and we will compete with Spain or Portugal. Enough of daydreaming, perhaps my love for these areas and the people is a quest for the beauty of what is ordinary.

Now living in Lagos, each time I drove through some parts of Ebute Meta or Mushin, I had threatened to stop and take in the backstreets of what must have been an incredibly beautiful city in the past. I desperately wanted to experience the people, the old houses and hopefully sample the food which I’m sure will be really tasty. However it was either too hot or too busy with both vehicle and human traffic. Besides, I live in the city and there was no need pretending I was a tourist in a hurry to take in everything before departing for home. Still, I kept on fantasizing. Eventually the opportunity came on Saturday 5^th March 2011. Coming from the extreme end of Lekki Pennisula, we drove past Palmgrove and Onipanu on Ikorodu discussing how we could get some potatoes when the person driving us suggested turning off the main road to the backstreet of Onipanu. I knew my time had come.

The weather was fine, the service lane was sane and it has its own backstreet too. We parked at a comfortable part of the road and made our way to a narrow market with a sign announcing it as ‘Somolu Model Market.’ We saw, live chickens being sold from their cages; I saw a woman who only sold  animal tongues and heads with grinning teeth. Some sold gari, potatoes and vegetables, all were calling us to have a look at their wares and buy. Eventually, we made our way to the end of the market into the service lane where some traders have taken possession of part of the road. We bought some potatoes and probably some vegetables. Although things are cheaper here than where we usually shop, it was the experience rather than the savings that mattered to us.

I have done it eventually, done the backstreet of Lagos, the feeling was exhilarating, the people, warm as usual. I didn’t see a restaurant where we could have a sit down meal like I would do in Europe. Who cares, there is Yellow Chilli in Victoria Island. My wife loved it, we got back into the car and headed home with a real sense of achievement.

Now a little more than a year after the event, I asked my wife to remind me what we bought on that day. She couldn’t remember much, but she threw me a question, “What on earth were you thinking taking me to that place given that I was heavily pregnant at the time?”

With the exception of the last two paragraphs and half of the preceding one which I just wrote, the rest of this post was originally written in June 2011. PostcardfromLagos

Photo courtesy of realnigeria.org/photos3.asp

Double Barrelled Surnames

I came back ‘fully’ to the country recently after a few months hiatus. I noticed that Channels Television is still churning out the same long and boring news, AIT is absolutely useless and NN24 had been off air for months, so no serious local television to serve 150 million people, hey. Those who can afford it subscribe to cable television from South Africa that dish out recycled programmes from England and the United States at a monthly fee that will cause public outrage in those countries. Given that we don’t have that much option in Nigeria, we faithfully comply with this outrageous monthly subscription, if only to be delivered from the clutches of our below par local TV stations. Only last week, NN24 had a moving text on its screen which read:

“Bayelsa State Former Governor Timipre Sylva arrested by the EFCC for money ‘laundring.’

This week, Channels TV made it money ‘laundry’ for Ibori, another former Governor who is being tried in London. Given that our local TV stations are unable to correctly spell ‘money laundering, you can perfectly understand our problem with communication, and why many opt for overseas television subscription.

Enough said. I will like to share one of the things that I have come to notice recently in Nigeria. This is of no threat to national security, just an interesting trend noticeable for its quaintness. I refer to the increasing number of double barrelled names popularised by newly married young women who adopt both their husbands’ first and last names as their surname. So you often come across names like Mrs Nike Segun-Adeyemo or Mrs Ngozi John-Chukwuma. In the last two weeks, I have come across seven women - all newly minted wives - with double-barrelled names. I can only imagine how proud their respective husbands would be, being so wholeheartedly adopted.

The multiple surname was once a preserve of European aristocracy with some surnames running into triple and quadruple barrelled. An example was the British special envoy to Moscow in 1939, Admiral Sir Reginald Aylmer Ranfurley Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax, whose quadruple barrelled surname must have been a mouthful for his hosts. In recent times however, double barrelled names have been in decline in Europe, particularly in England, mostly because they are seen as a burden in a world where snobbery and anything associated with it is no longer in. As a result, some have dropped their inherited multiple surnames including CNN anchor Piers Morgan (Piers Pughe-Morgan) and the British explorer Sir Ralph Fiennes (Sir Ranulph Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes).

Focusing back on Nigeria, double barrelled surnames may not be an entirely new thing; prominent Nigerians who adopted the practice in the past include the Fani-Kayodes, the Olateru-Olagbegis and the Odumegwu Ojukwus who undoubtedly were influenced by the British colonial rulers pre-independence.

For those newly adopting the double barrelled names, the questions on my mind are:

• Is the decision to go double barrelled made by the respective wives or their husbands?
• If the decision for the wife to adopt her husband’s first and last names as her surname made by the husbands; What is the reasoning behind it?
• What if a woman should ask her husband that they adopt both their respective last names as their married surname?

I may be wrong, but I suspect that the decisions are made by the women. Perhaps it gives a woman the opportunity to claim full ownership of her man. PostcardfromLagos

PS - Just for the record, my children have double barrelled middle names.

Beyond Fuel Subsidy Removal and Occupy Nigeria - Why we must not relent

1. I have spent some time to educate myself on the matter of oil subsidy and its recent removal by the government. I felt it was only right that I have an informed view in order to take a position on the matter. I have read the government's position paper on the intended use of the proceeds of fuel subsidy removal and have listened to many commentators both for and against. I have tried to develop a simple, hopefully logical, analysis of why we are in this trouble, what could be done and why the protest we are witnessing is beyond the removal of oil subsidy.

2. I must first say that, from a purely economic and national development point, the removal of fuel subsidy appears to make sense. We cannot continue to dole out our national treasure to a few people because they import oil on behalf of the government. People in the know believe that the current system allows for extensive and wide reaching corruption and collusion of all shades and colour. If we must develop, and if we must tackle corruption, this arena of corruption has to be tackled quickly. I have noticed also, that many people even the fiercest opponents of the subsidy removal seem to agree about the inevitability of the decision.

3. However, it isn't just the removal of oil subsidy that displeases Nigerians. It is firstly, the wider matter of government corruption and the impunity with which it is carried out. Secondly, Nigerians are unhappy with the insensitivity of government to the plight of the people. This is evident by the fact that there were no attempts to consult widely on the subsidy removal matter before it was implemented. Furthermore, the lack of a clear and effective strategy to alleviate the obvious burden that subsidy removal will place on the people is also an evidence of government insensitivity One could also argue that coming at a period when people are groaning under the bombings by the Boko Haram terrorist sect, the timing of the removal of oil subsidy further shows insensitivity and clear ineptitude on the part of the government.

4. Any observer may wonder why successive governments allowed the issue of corruption in the oil sector to fester without a clear and transparent strategy to contain it. It is also a failure of our government that it is unable to provide refined oil to its people without the meddling of several middlemen and middlewomen - a trail that leads all the way to the heart of the same people in government. Given that the government created the corruption in the oil industry, it should have the courage to sort it out. Surely, the challenge of leadership is to solve difficult problems.

5. I have listened to the arguments of General Buhari and Prof Tam David West - both former petroleum ministers and in the case of General Buhari a former military head of state. Both are of the opinion that the subsidy argument by government is fraudulent. They contend that there is no subsidy in the sector and therefore you can't remove what does not exist. As much as I tried to follow their argument, I found it difficult to understand their point of view. What I suspect they were trying to say is that we won't have to talk about subsidy if we do not have to import refined oil.

6. We certainly would not be in this situation of importing refined oil and having to subsidise it if we had invested in our four refineries so that they function at full capacity, which I understand would be enough to satisfy our domestic demand.

7. The question is why aren't the existing refineries working to capacity? A forensic report by KPMG shows that our refineries were working at between 11% to 25% utilisation rate between 2008 and 2009. This is no doubt due to neglect over the years - a by-product of corrupt government and refinery officials.

8. Can we not prosecute those involved in running aground the refineries and can we not stamp out corruption? The simple answer is that corrupt people cannot deal with corruption. Our current politicians and leaders are neck deep in it and they will rather not tamper with the hornet's nest as they know that the consequences are determined.

9. If the existing refineries cannot be resuscitated, why is the government not building new refineries? I suspect the government’s position is that new refineries will probably be sabotaged just like the existing ones. Our government understandably doesn't trust itself with building and managing refineries. It had instead issued 20 licences to private individuals to do so, but they too have balked because it doesn't pay them to do so in a climate of subsidy, so we are in a stalemate.

10. What then should a responsible government do?

· A responsible government would consult and dialogue with its people on what must be done.

· A responsible government would lay out a credible plan to alleviate the burden that subsidy removal will bring on its people. This would have been done in good time and not as an afterthought a week later. It is laughable that President Jonathan made the launching of 1600 buses his government core strategy to alleviate the burden of subsidy removal. 1600 buses for 150 million people?

· Most States in Nigeria have been unable to implement the 18,000 naira ($115) monthly minimum wage introduced by the government. Many employees in Lagos spend between a third or half of their income on transportation alone. So do the Maths, Mr President, now that petrol has gone up by over 100 percent, how would they find the money to meet the corresponding jack-up in the price of everything?

· A responsible government would publish its strategy to rein in the runaway corruption in the country. It will prosecute those who have defrauded the nation whoever they may be.

· A responsible government will make itself accountable to the people. Surely one of the best ways to tackle corruption is transparency.

· A responsible government would also tackle the excesses in government. Cutting 25 percent off the salary of the executive arm of government is too little too late. Not even a three- year old Nigerian believes that anyone in government live on their salaries. The President would have been more credible if he had tackled the obscene money budgeted for running the government, travel, accommodation, gardening etc. Spending 3 million Naira ($18,000) per day on food at the Presidency is pure, unadulterated corruption.

President Jonathan, it tarnishes your image that such a huge amount of money is spent under your watch when the vast majority of Nigerians will never earn that amount in a lifetime, long or short. Since our politicians like to copy America, you may be interested to know that the White House kitchen operates like an hotel, and the US President receives a bill for his meals on a monthly basis.

11. Nigerians have argued that the only benefit they derive from being citizens of this country is the subsidy on oil. We do not have good roads, or good medical facilities. Our schools are broken so is every other infrastructure. To remove this one thing is not only a slap in the face, it is criminal.

12. The government has been at pains to make Nigerians understand it will use money saved from subsidy removal in building the necessary infrastructure to make life bearable for the masses. Unfortunately no one believes them. There is a trust deficit that the government may not be able to fulfil. How can a wasteful, insensitive government suddenly wake up to its responsibility and become accountable to its citizens. Mr Jonathan, why don't you start now by scrapping security votes and then using the money to build roads, schools and hospitals. Then, we may just start to believe you.

13. Besides, money supposedly saved from the removal of oil subsidy will be divided between national, state and local governments. Who will monitor how the state governors (who are much more distrusted by the people) and local government chairmen spend the money?

14. It is one thing for a government to be corrupt, it is another for it to be corrupt and inept at the same time. The government has mismanaged this issue of subsidy removal, the President and his government have taken Nigerians as fools by having no clear strategy towards the burden their policy would create and the management of any fallback from it. President Jonathan has been insensitive in going forward with this policy at a time when Nigerians are under the Boko Haram siege. He should also have known that Nigerians attach a huge sentimental value to seasons and times, not the least the beginning of a new year, no serious government will ignore such sentiments.

15. For me therefore, the struggle we are currently engaged in is much more than that of the oil subsidy removal, it goes further to the wider problem of corruption.

· We should therefore not relent until Nigeria is delivered from the irresponsible bone-marrow corrupt Governors some of whom have a monthly security allocation of over 100 million Naira that is unaccounted for.

· We should not relent until transparency is at the heart of our government.

· We should not relent until the President explains why it needs millions of naira for newspapers annually.

· We should not relent until all security votes are scrapped or accounted for to the last naira

· We should not relent until corrupt people are properly prosecuted and criminals ejected from the National Assembly

· We should not relent until all Nigerians have the basic necessities of life - good water, electricity, access to healthcare and quality education.

· We should not relent until we educate everyone around us on how to make government accountable. That is what I am also resolved to do.

16. I therefore wholeheartedly support the protest as long as we continue to be peaceful and focused on the wider issue of government excesses, tackling corruption and ensuring transparency in government. We must not allow this struggle to be hijacked by criminals.

17. Final word, Mr President, let's go back to the status quo, and let's dialogue on how to go about the removal of subsidy and how to make it bearable for our people. Nigerian leaders will be mistaken if they assume that the current protest is about subsidy removal alone. The people are fed up of the corruption in government at all levels and they want change. Only when this matter is addressed honestly and credibly will you begin to win the confidence of Nigerians.

LASTMA - The Legality of Traffic Management in Lagos

Like many Lagosians, I welcomed the determination of the Federal High Court in Lagos late September stopping LASTMA - the Lagos State Traffic Management Agency from issuing fines to traffic offenders.

Unlike many Lagosians, I do not question the legitimacy or the need for LASTMA, I will even go further to agree with the Lagos State Governor, Babatunde Fashola who said "LASTMA is a local solution to a unique traffic problem." However, this is where my support for the Governor's statement ends. Although I believe LASTMA can be a force for good in traffic management, it appears that, just like the Nigeria Police 'Force' it has evolved to become a force of oppression and misery for unwary motorists. I have had a few encounters with LASTMA and I have come to the realisation that it is an institutionally corrupt agency with little or no training for its staff to effectively manage traffic in a so-called megacity.

On one occasion, I turned left at a T-junction in Victoria Island and was immediately accosted by a LASTMA team that almost drove into me from the wrong side of the road. They had apparently been waiting to 'catch a prey'. When I questioned why I was stopped, they shouted at me "didn't you see that you should not have turned left at that junction." When I asked for the sign, one of them pointed at a rather small pole. I insisted we walked to check the pole. When we got to the pole, the sign on it had faded, and no one could be reasonably expected to decipher what it says. Little wonder I didn't notice it. I asked again 'Where is the sign and what does it say? When they maintained their position, I whipped out my phone and took a picture of the non-sign. Seeing the handwriting on the wall, one of them just said to me 'Go.' I walked calmly but triumphantly back into my car and drove off with two of them perplexed as to what had happened. I have no doubt they stayed behind to continue the harassment and extortion of other motorists.

The second encounter was even more unjust. I found myself driving behind a waste truck that appeared to have stopped moving;after a few minutes, I proceeded to overtake it only to find out it was queuing for the turn that I also needed to make. I indicated to go back on the lane and incredibly enough, the vehicle beside me gave way. I was back on the lane and we were at least 300 yards away from the turning. A LASTMA official approached me and I explained what had happened, and he waved me away removing the set of nails he had placed before my car tyres. A few seconds later, another LASTMA approached and I wound down the window to explain to him that I had cleared with his colleague. This was a mistake on my part as he dipped his hand into the car, unlocked it and jumped in. He also opened the back door for his colleague to jump in. They then ordered me to drive on. The one seated beside me was reeking of alcohol. It was getting late, I was tired, hungry and looking forward to going home. I was dejected and knew that though I had not contravened any traffic laws, I was at the mercy of these two hoodlums. I drove on but decided I was not going to their destination, I drove past where they asked me to turn, they struggled with the handbrake whilst in motion, pulling it up. I kept pushing it down and refused to stop. It was almost like a thriller and I could not believe I was the lead actor. I drove on until one of them started to talk nicely to me. At this stage, I was near my estate and I knew I was in safe territory, so I stopped. The one in the front passenger seat turned off the ignition, grabbed the key and stormed out of the car. They both soon realised the game was up and gave my key back begging that I gave them money to get back to where they came from. I was not having this and I drove off determined to teach them a lesson.

Coming back to the judgement of the High Court and Governor Fashola's statement. Yes, it is good to use a local challenge to create opportunity for almost 5,000 people, I would rather they are properly trained and monitored to stop them from terrorising motorists. I hope the Governor is not surreptitiously inviting us to applaud him for doing what he was elected and paid to do? I have no doubt that, in the Governor's words, some elements of LASTMA "are working showing dignity of labour, staying in the sun and in the rain working for all of us." I suppose they are not any different from other Lagosians who carry out their work conscientiously. In any event that is not the issue here Governor. So don't pull the wool over our eyes by going on the emotional lark, the High Court judgement is not about whether LASTMA officials are doing their work or not, it is about the legality of issuing fines. I would also add, Is it legal to jump in people's cars because of a traffic offence? I have no doubt that many motorists have had worse encounters with LASTMA staff. It was reported recently that a motorist was beaten to death by LASTMA officials. I have no doubt that If I had gone with the LASTMA officials to their depot, my car tyres would have been deflated and I would be made to part with money for a spurious offence.

So Governor Fashola, please look again into this matter, whatever is what doing at all is worth doing well. The original reason for creating LASTMA is not to create 5000 jobs but to manage traffic well. Well, lets make this happen Governor and stop presenting a dog to us as a monkey. The challenge of leadership is to solve problems. Lets devise a system of enforcing traffic laws rather than jumping in peoples' cars, running after vehicles, beating motorists or setting people up to fail. LASTMA staff need training, they need to be made aware of their boundaries, motorists need to be made aware too of their boundaries. More people will obey the law if they see the government's sincerity.

Last word, I believe in LASTMA, but even the Governor knows that you cannot enforce the law with illegality.

Purple Rain in Lagos

It’s raining again in Lagos this morning. Yesterday, it rained non-stop from 9 in the morning until 9.30 in the evening. It was a continuous symphony of heavy torrential downpour followed by mid-level rainfall that lasted for hours. Although no one measures rainfall levels, this is probably the longest stretch of downpour I have experienced in Lagos. For no reason at all, I can only think of the ‘purple rain’ song by Prince. Not that there is any link that I know between the two.

As much as I love the coolness and the smell of freshness that rain brings, I am also mindful of its destructive impact on the city and the difficulties it brings to commuters and other city residents. Many commercial buses, given their substandard state, wisely stay off the roads when it rains leaving commuters stranded for hours and being ripped-off by the few buses that can brave the downpour. Also, houses are easily flooded due to lack of proper drainage and in some areas, rain-induced erosion may be irreparable. A few days ago, after another downpour which was mild in comparison to what we are currently experiencing, I watched a father gave a gut-wrenching account on television of how two children went to school and only one came back home, the other swept away by the flood. 

There are very many reasons why Lagos finds it difficult to cope with heavy rainfall. For a start, drainage infrastructure is non-existent, so even for the most affluent part of the city such as Lekki, Ikoyi and Victoria Island; rain is a curse not a blessing. Added to this are the other issues of poor planning, illegal buildings on drainage paths, and as pointed out by a commentator, many compounds are completely concreted resulting in all rainwater being drained onto the roads rather than naturally into the soil.

I have no firm information on the damage this rainfall has caused, but Lagos State has today closed all schools, and homes and offices in many areas of the city are said to have been flooded too. Typical of the stoic approach to all things in Nigeria, people have made light of the downpour with blackberry broadcast such as this one:

“Rain has reshuffled Lagos, houses are being moved to new locations... Eko Hotel now in Abule Egba; MM2 in Orile; Kirikiri prison now in Oniru; Unilag now in Ikorodu; Alausa Sectariat now in Badagry. Please confirm your office location before setting out today so you won't miss your way.”

The reality is that apart from a statement released by the Lagos State Environment Commissioner, there is not much happening, no statement from the President and no word from the National Emergency Agency. This problem will not go away if not tackled. It can only be solved if we all behave responsibly - Lagosians and government alike. Perhaps as Andrew Onalaja commented, we can begin to solve this problem by “breaking up the concrete in all our compounds compressing it as hardcore and covering the entire area with gravel, that way we can get rid of some of the water that would otherwise flood our roads.”

Importantly, we need responsible governments with the political will (not just in Lagos), to not only enforce planning rules, tackle erosion, but also provide an efficient and affordable refuse disposal system so that Nigerians can stop dumping refuse in the gutters, canals and rivers.

"I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I never meant to cause you any pain, I only wanted to one time see you laughing" are the first three lines of the song 'Purple rain', perhaps there is a link after all with the Lagos rain of the past 24 hours. PostcardfromLagos

Three men and a ram

On my way out sometimes last November, I noticed three men pulling and pushing a ram (male sheep) that appeared not to be co-operating with them. At the time, I had no idea that the Muslim Ileya festival was around the corner. It was possible that the ram had got wind of this too, hence the defiance.

One of the men was pulling the ram with a rope and the other two were pushing from the back with their hands. The ram literally dug in his heels refusing to be moved. I guess the thought running through his mind was “you will have to break sweat, if you must move me.” Thinking about it now, I’m surprised that the ram was that defiant given that sheep, unlike goats are known to be generally docile. Could you blame him? Who wants to die?

Coincidentally, when I attended Sunday service the following day, the title of the sermon was ‘Are you a Sheep?’ Taking his text from Matthew 25 the preacher looked at Jesus’ analogy of how the sheep will be favoured in God’s kingdom and the goats cast out into outer darkness. To drive home his point, he proceeded to give a comparison between goats and sheep. They were revealing to say the least:

· Goats are pushy, self sufficient, headstrong and quarrelsome whilst sheep are generally gentle.

· All goats are horned, not all sheep are. The irony is not lost here as horns are needed to harm other animals.

· Goats do not require supervision or care, they are independent and they can easily retire to their wild condition. Sheep on the other hand require tendering.

· Goat’s tails point up toward the sky. Sheep have theirs hanging down, pointed at the ground

· Unlike sheep, goats do not graze. They browse. They wander around.

· Goats emit a bad odour – it’s like a smell of pride which gets them quick attention. Sheep do not

· Anywhere there is a goat, there is a problem.

I remember that while I was growing up, a few people reared goats in our very large and overpopulated house. All the goats got into one kind of problem or the other, entering people’s rooms to ‘eat’ their stew and even children's homework. One goat owned by my grandmother had to be quickly put down because she ate something that got her fighting for dear life.

Last word - So what got the ram I saw so hardy?

Catherine Middleton and Prince William - My Thoughts on the Wedding

Like millions of people around the world, I was glued to the television set for the greater part of Friday 29^th April 2011. By a twin conspiracy of a business engagement and conjunctivitis, I was not meant to watch the event live, however by a more powerful design, the business engagement was shifted without my prompting and the conjunctivitis had cleared by the morning of the wedding. So there I was at 9.00am sitting pretty before the television at the start of an incredible channel hopping exercise that lasted for hours.

I must first confess that I am a fan of the British Royal family; I also love weddings, and good love stories. I like to see dreams come true and I cherish tradition. These are my thoughts on the event:

· Only the Brits could have put up such an impressive performance, unforced, highly entertaining and time conscious. Everything was properly planned to the minutest detail.

· The entire service took all of 75 minutes. That’s not enough time for many Nigerian Pastors to give their sermon. There was no shouting by the priests, no attempt to upstage the couple, no ‘too big for their boots’ moments by any of the ministers. They led, prayed, joined, and preached with dignity, panache and with the focus on the solemnity of the occasion.

· Did you notice that there were no blaring siren; no over the top security men pushing and pulling people out of the way for important dignitaries, no standby generators in the event of power failure, no terrorising area boys, no aso-ebi.

· I also hope that Nigerians will take note that all guests should be seated before the arrival of the bride.

· I was fascinated by the little details, like the men that received and delivered the caps and gloves from Princes William, Harry and other senior members of the royal family at arrival and departure from the Abbey respectively. My wife opined that if it was in Nigeria, a glove might be missing when it was time to deliver them or that one of the keepers would have gone to the lavatory at the crucial time he was needed.

· I doff my hat to the heavily armed police officers lining the procession route and watching the crowd for any acts of terrorism. How about being at the event and also not being there. None of them stole a glance of the event happening behind them. Theirs was the height of professionalism.

· I admire Prince William’s thoughtfulness in mingling with the crowd on the evening before the wedding. Interpersonal skills par excellence I would say.

· After the first kiss, I listened to Piers Morgan, who as the all knowing royal pundit on CNN authoritatively proclaimed William will never do a second kiss because royals are trained not to give more than what is necessary. The word had barely left his mouth when the second kiss happened. I could not see Piers Morgan at the time, but I could almost see eggs splashed all over his face. As someone said, the first kiss was duty, the second was definitely romance and it proved that the young man is at ease with himself and not encumbered by the stuffiness of royalty.

· The drive by the couple from Buckingham Palace to Clarence House shortly after the wedding was a crowd winner. The decoration and the ‘L’ plate on the car almost certainly have Prince Harry’s handwriting all over them.

· What about the priest who did the multiple cartwheel display at the Abbey after the ceremony. It was probably his way of breathing a sigh of relief. Perhaps it was his way of praising God for a successful outing. Who said the British are stiff?

· The wedding is a proof that all things are possible. Kate Middleton is not only married to the future King of England, she will be crowned Queen and one of her children will become Queen or King of England. Would she have imagined all these 10 years ago? This reminds me of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us” Ephesians 3:20.

· It is almost certain that Prince William was only allowed to marry Kate after the royal family were sure there were no skeletons in her past. In other words, the past has a role to play on the present and how you live your present determines your future, so it is advisable not to live a reckless life.

· The sacrifice that women make was fully played out during the ceremony. Wasn’t it ironic that of all the five members of the Middleton family, only Kate’s mum, Carole Middleton did not have any public role at the wedding? Daughter Kate was marrying the future King, daughter Pippa was the celebrated maid of honour, son, James read the Bible passage and husband, Michael accompanied their daughter to Church, led her to the altar and stayed until they were joined together. Carole, the woman who carried Kate in her womb for nine months, and went through the pain of delivery; the mother who fed and nursed her for years was for all intents and purposes a spectator. I have always felt that this is an African thing. I now know it isn’t. Little wonder the Bible prescribes in 1 Peter 3:7 that a husband should love his wife and honour her. Even if you have never thought of this before, think again.

· The wedding unintentionally showed the two parallel worlds that exist in Britain. Those in the Abbey are streets apart from those lining the streets to cheer the couple. The Abbey guests are the Eton-Oxford, land-owning champagne-quaffing pack whose hats for the occasion will pay the entire mortgage of most people for a year. Very occasionally, the footballer who has made good like David Beckham or the world-acclaimed musician like Elton John may be able to cross the carpet from the lower world to the upper class. Otherwise, the two classes are set apart by the family you are born into or which school you attended. That’s why more than half of the current UK cabinet are Ox-Bridge educated and 75% are millionaires including the Prime Minister, his deputy and the Chancellor of the Exchequer. No one should begrudge them about this; it’s just the way things work. You need to be outstanding to enter this new world.

· This leads me to the next point - why parents must plan for the future of their children. Kate’s parents are self-made millionaires who were moneyed enough to have their children publicly educated (this means large fee paying private education in Britain). Kate attended £29,000 fee per year Marlborough College followed by the 600 year-old St Andrews University, one of the four leading universities in the UK where she met Prince William. In other words, Mr and Mrs Middleton made it their business to provide a good foundation for their children. The result is what we have seen. Kate Middleton would probably not have met Prince William if she studied at a pedestrian London university.

· Sadly, many Nigerians living in England only ever see the struggling life and have no serious strategy for their children to move up to the other side. They hardly visit the art galleries, attend theatres or go to the museums which are free. We had better wake up and smell the coffee.

· The ceremony showcased the importance of marriage, and why no one should put asunder what God has joined together. The symbolic use of his sash to bind the hands of William and Catherine by the Archbishop of Canterbury underscores this point. I felt the ceremony will strengthen the marriage institution and will make many opt for it. I also hope that many who may be struggling in theirs will be guided by the words of the vows and find grace and strength for the enduring commitment required.

· Bishop Chartres’ sermon was excellent:

• "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire."
• “Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves.”
• “William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ.”
• “And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.”
• “A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves.”
• “The more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.”
• “Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner.”
• “There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom.”
• “In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.”

· What a choice of Bible passage too by the young couple! Romans 12 – “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect…. ”

· Sorry, Mr Alistair Campbell, British people still do God. Even atheists Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Leader of the Opposition Ed Milliband had to offer songs of praise to God. Whatever people may say, God is still very much central to the core tradition of the British people.

· The event was rich in both tradition and history. Westminster Abbey is nearly 1000 years old; the Queen got married and was crowned there in 1947 and 1953 respectively. The Queen herself is all of history, tradition and continuity personified – her first Prime Minister Winston Churchill was born in 1874, her current Prime Minister was born in 1966, and she would be 60 years on the throne next year.

· I am fascinated by the rigid pecking order of the royal family which determines everything including sitting arrangements, order of arrival and departure, titles and more. It is curiously interesting that the Princess Royal, Princess Anne, who is the second child of the Queen is way below her two younger brothers, Prince Andrew and Prince Edward and their respective children just because she is female. I think the law of primogeniture should be changed.

· The wedding also revealed the delicate balance between the Church, the Monarch and the Executive. The Queen is highly respected as head of State and she gets the pomp and pageantry, yet, it is the Prime Minister that exercises nearly all the power. He can even arrange for the abolition of the monarchy.

· Does the queen look like someone who turned 85, eight days before the wedding ceremony? How can she die, when millions of people one way or the other daily petition God to keep her safe?

· Just wondering! Should Nigeria decide to adopt a constitutional monarchy style of government, how do we unite our babel tongues? Who would we adopt as King of Nigeria? Would it be the Olowo of Owo, Oba Folagbade Olateru-Olagbegi III or the Oba of Benin, Uku Akpolokpolo, Omo n'Oba N'Edo Erediauwa? Would it be the Sultan of Sokoto, Muhammed Saa’du Abubakar; Alafin of Oyo, iku baba yeye Oba Lamidi Adeyemi; the Obi of Onitsha, Alfred Nnaemeka Achebe or Ooni of Ife, Oba Okunade Sijuwade? The case will probably sit in court forever.

· There is no denying the fact that the couple are in love, they looked at each other’s eyes when they took their vows; they stole glances of each other even when the sermon was being delivered. According to lip readers, he said, ‘you look beautiful’ when she arrived at the altar. ‘Are you happy’ she said when they were entering the coach at the end of the service. How else can fondness be defined?

· The bride had a great smile, an enviable figure and she was elegant and stylishly turned out. The groom has a good personality; his head appears well screwed on. In his hands, the future of the monarchy is assured. I wish them well.

Finally I will like to borrow the first hymn at the wedding which is very powerful and apt for everyday living. This hymn like many others has in-built life and I’m sure many lives would be transformed by it. If like me, you need God to guide you through the minefield of life, then it’s a song to sing.

Guide me, O thou great redeemer,

Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty,
Hold me with thy powerful hand;
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven
Feed me till I want no more;
Feed me till I want no more.

Open now the crystal fountain
Whence the healing stream doth flow;
Let the fire and cloudy pillar
Lead me all my journey through:
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer;
Be thou still my strength and shield;
Be thou still my strength and shield.

When I tread the verge of Jordan,
Bid my anxious fears subside;
Death of death, and hell's destruction
Land me safe on Canaan's side:
Songs of praises, songs of praises,
I will ever give to thee;
I will ever give to thee.